The fast show

I guess most people have watched the famous british comedy show, The Fast Show. However, not many know that Paul Whitehouse, one of the creators and actors in the series, also played Icesus in his spare time! Yes, it's true. And he liked the game so much, he planned to do an Icesus Special Episode for the Fast Show. This idea was eventually discarded as not too many would have understood that episode. Luckily, the manuscript to that show wasn't deleted. So here it is: the manuscript for The Fast Show - The Icesus Special Episode!

-------------------<begin manuscript>---------------

<Newbie comes out of Adventurers Guild.>
"This week, I 'ave been mosly eating raw chunks of rat meat."
<Newbie goes back into Adventurer's Guild.>

<Opening credits roll>

<Mages' Guild, Aquail talking to himself>
"Right, to cast a missile of magic one has to wave one's hands thus and 
 intone 'raketa mjatsik' in a deep voice. Wave, intone 'raketa mjatsik'.
 Right, that's ok."
<A bunch of newbies enter the room and sit down around Aquail>
Aquail: "Hello, Aquail here. Today I'll be teach.. ahem.. sorry, today I'll
 be.. hrmh.. I'll be teaching you.. *cough*.. about cast.. hrmh *cough*..
casting a miss.. *cough* hrmh *cough* miss.. *COUGH* *cough* miss..
*COUGH COUGH COUGH*
<Aquail takes a hankerchief and coughs violently into it for a while>
Aquail: "Sorry. As I was saying, today I'll be teaching you hot to cast a
 missile of magic. Now, you just wave your hand like this..
<Aquail suddenly doubles over in an intense fit of coughing, still waving 
 his hand. A huge ball of flame shoots from it, incarcerating all newbies in
 the room>
Aquail: "Oh dear."

<Zseezz, the grand mage, enters the room>
Aquail: "Do you think I'll have to take that again, Zseez?"
Zsezz: "Arzzse!"

<A leprechaun stands on a busy street>
"Hi. I'm Dwydran."

<A dwarf is standing behind a desk>

Dwarf: "Welcome to That's Amazing with me Cal Hooper. This week we hear
       Vitalsword telling about a horrible monstah he saw."
       "So tell me about the monstah?"
Vital: "I was walking on the road .. it was a cold, black night .. The people
       say the forest is haunted, you know."
Dwarf: "Cut the crap, now tell me about the monstah."
Vital: "It was a Gha'raphoel-Turdak, as the orcs call it. You know, half
       bird, half snake and half human. I recognized it right away. "
Dwarf: "So what did it look like?"
Vital: "I don't know, it was invisible."
<Cal starts to look pretty annoyed..>
Dwarf: "What do you mean invisible??"
Vital: "I didn't see it, but it made a horrible noise, I've never been so
       scared in my life."
Dwarf: "It was like a loud 'RRRRROOOOOAR', right?"
Vital: "No, I didn't hear a thing. It was completely silent."
<Cal starts turning red and raises his voice>
Dwarf: "Silent?! It did leave huge footsteps on the ground, like a buffalo?"
Vital: "Nope, it was hovering."
Dwarf: "Hovering!?! You can't be serious? Now get of my show!!"
Vital: "But it was real! I've been too scared to walk in the woods since 
       then, I.."
<Dwarf grabs a piece of wood from the table and hits Vitalsword with it>
Dwarf: "Rrrright." < .. throws the piece of wood away .. > 
       "On the next week's show we have Ereldon telling about the things he 
       has seen happening in Vaerlon."

<Newbie comes out of Adventurers Guild.>

"This week, I 'ave been mosly wearing iron armours."
<Newbie goes back into Adventurer's Guild.>

<A mortal enters the Clothing and Armour store and browses around for a short
 while. Ceanna suddenly steps out in front of the mortal>
Ceanna: "Good day, sir. May I enquire as to sir's condition today?"
Mortal: "Oh, I'm fine I guess."
<Pause as Ceanna watches the mortal expectantly>
Mortal: "Uh.. and you?"
Ceanna "Radiant, sir, radiant! Now, what is sir looking for? Something to
 protect from damage, I presume. Something large and hard, that covers
 all vital bodyparts?"
Mortal: "Eh, yes, I was thinking about a steel cuiras.."
Ceanna: "Oh! A steel cuirass, suit you sir! Very fashionable at the moment,
 all the highbies wear one. A cuirass like this will make sir a wanted
 member to any party. Does sir often take part in a party?"
Mortal: "Yeah, I try to as often as possible.."
Ceanna: "And the other members, they WANT sir? To join the fun with them?"
Mortal: "Hmm, eh, well yes.."
Ceanna: "Oh! Suit you, sir! Anything else for sir. Perhaps some leather 
 thights? Great fun in parties."
Mortal: "No, I don't think.."
<Danton suddenly steps up nehind the mortal, making the mortal jump>
Danton: "Oh! Leather thights! I can sell sir a whip, if sir wants. Would go
 well with sir's leather thights."
Mortal: "I don't.."
Ceanna: "Leather whips are great, sir. Oh! Does sir like to dress in
 a steel cuirass and leather thights and whip people?"
Danton: "Does sir like it when they moan when you whip them. Do they moan like
 this: 'Ooooh. Yeeees! Aaaah'"
Ceanna: 'Yeeees! Whip me, big boy, whip me!'
Danton & Ceanna: "Oh! Suit you, sir! Oh!"
<The mortal flees from the shop>
Ceanna: "Sir forgot his cuirass! Oh well, I already took the money from him.
 Oh! Suits me!"

<A female mage, dressed in a long black cloak is trying to give first
aid to a badly-wounded fighter, when a man arrives>

Mage: "Did you find the priest or bandages?"
Man : "No, but I found something MUCH better!"
<Man opens his backbag>
Man: "Instead I found this great silver helmet, a brand new set of
     flint and steel and a nether torch!"
<Mage sighs deeply>

<A long-haired gnome is standing in a laboratory filled with vials, potions
 and various bizarre equipment. He looks up and tosses his long hair over
 his shoulder>
"So, after intense studies under meditation heightened by eating those
 mushrooms which glow strangely, I realized that the thinnest leather armour
 actually is inpenetrable if you stand so that the blows hit it at the correct
 angle. I tested it on Dave, and he didn't complain once. He even seems to
 still be asleep. Wild, man. I will now demonstrate how this works in 
 practice. I think you will find the results interesting.
<The gnome wears a leather jacket and goes to stand next to a huge b'rogh>
Gnome: "This is Di'Shar, who will assist me in this experiment. Now, when he
 hits me, note how this simple leather jacket will reflect his blow, since
 I will be standing in an optimum angle to maximise the jackets effect.
 Please strike me, Di'Shar."
<The b'rogh grabs a long, two-handed sword and swings, cleaving the gnome
 cleanly in two parts. The b'rogh watches the corpse for a while and then
 walks away.>

<A group of loud highbies is sitting at the Double Dragon Inn, drinking
 and chatting>
Highbie1: "Yeah, so my party was all exhausted, but we just gritted our teeth
 and didn't mind the pain. With our last strength, we managed to kill the
 ten remaining giants. There was blood up to our ankles, I can tell you."
<Other highbies nod and murmur approvingly>
Highbie2: "I remember once, I was fighting these two b'rogh warriors. I stuck
 my sword through the neck of one, making it go down in a shower of blood.
 My sword got stuck, though, so I charged the second b'rogh head-on and
 ripped his stomach open with my teeth, chewing my way through his guts.
 The b'rogh screamed in pain and fell down, slowly dying."
<Other highbies cheer and clap the talker on the shoulders>
Highbie3: "That reminds me of the time I slaughtered an entire village of
 trolls using just my nails to claw them with!"
<Other highbies laugh and nod at the talker>
Highbie4: "I remember one time when I was in that forest far north of here.
 As I was walking around, looking for something to kill, I suddenly came upon
 this little, cute rabbit. It looked at me with big, fearful eyes, looking
 so cute that I just has to pet it. It's fur was very soft..
<Talker stops and looks around, noticing that all the others are sitting still
 and watching him strangely>
Highbie4: "..I'll get me coat."
<He leaves>

<An empty street near Snowfall at night. Suddenly a dark man sticks his head
 up from behind a streetlamp.>
"You ain't seen me, right?"
<He hides again behind the lamp>

<A leprechaun is standing next to Ereldon on the Central Square>
Leprechaun: "Hi. I'm Dwydran."

<Two adventurers, a young one and an old one, are sitting around a campfire
 in some forest>
Young: "So, are we going to kill some monsters to get some experience, then?"
Old: "Don't be in a hurry. These things take time. You cannot just go out
 there and kill the first monster you see, this is like its own whole form
 of art."
Young: "Really? Tell me about it."
Old: "You see, killing monsters is very much like making love to a beautiful
 woman. You've got to find the right subject, then prepare your weapons and
 check your protection. Then you go in, jabbing and thrusting towards the 
 critical spots, and using the best maneuvers you can until its all over and
 you are exhausted while the subject just lies there on its back."
Young: "I've never thought about it like that before."
Old: "You will learn yet."
<A monster suddenly runs by>
Young: "Hey, a monster! Let's kill it!"
Old: "No, I have a headache."

<A newbie is standing and drinking tea>
"And then, as I pressed the button to open the secret door, it bugged and
 gave me 10M exp instead. I reported it, and the admins said I could keep
 the exp, and gave me 500 PDF for the report."
<He pauses to take a sip of tea>
"Which was nice."

<A dwarf is standing in front of a desk>
"Hi, and welcome to 'That's Amazing'. Today we have several interesting 
 guests, and we will tell you about even more amazing things than last week's
 three-headed orc and the newbie who actually read the helpdocuments and
 found the answer to her question there.
 First guest today is an old aquintance, Ereldon. Welcome, Ereldon!"
<Ereldon hobbles out into view>
Dwarf: "So, Ereldon, what amaxing thing are you here to tell us about?"
Ereldon: "Well, you see, I was standing there on the Central Square as usual,
 where I stand all day, you know, on the Central Square, and as I was standing
 there on the Central Square, as I usually do all day, listening to people
 whine, whine, that's all they can do, whine all day, everybody, I can't stand
 it really, all day I stand there on the Central Square and people just come
 there to whine..."
Dwarf: "Heh, yes, thank you Ereldon, we all symphatize with you.. However, you
 where here to tell about something amazing?"
Ereldon: "Hmm yes, well you see, as I was standing on the Central Square one
 day, as I usually do all day, and listened to people whine constantly, whine
 whine whine, while I was standing there on Central Square.."
<The dwarf raps the table and looks impatient>
Ereldon: "..yes, as I was saying, as I was standing there in Central Square as
 I do all day, listening..."
<The dwarf raps the table really hard and looks irritated>
Ereldon: "..this adventurer walked by!"
<A moments pause while the dwarf looks confused>
Dwarf: "That's it? One would think many adventurers walk by the Central Square
 each day."
Ereldon: "Yes but you see, this is the most amazing thing, this one had ONLY
 ONE HEAD!"
<Another pause>
Dwarf: "We all do."
Ereldon: "What?"
Dwarf (impatiently): "Have just one head."
Ereldon: "What? Oh. Hmm. Darn, I am confusing heads and legs again. Heh. Well,
 nothing then, really."
<Ereldon hobbles off again, leaving the dwarf looking extremely annoyed and
 trying not to show it>
Dwarf: "Well, I'm sure our next guest will be more rewarding." <Turns back
 towards where Ereldon wend and shouts> "Like, NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT!"
 <Calms himself down> "Here's our second guest, an admin with a truly amazing
 tale!"
<An admin materializes from thin air next to the dwarf, making him jump>
Dwarf: "Oh! Heh. Always scary when you do that. Now, what is your amazing
 tale?"
Admin: "Right. I was tuning things one day, as mortals seemed to be getting
 experience.."
Dwarf: "Yes, very bad for the balance if they get too much too easily."
<Short pause>
Admin: "I didn't say they were getting much or getting it easily."
<Another short pause>
Admin: "Anyway, I had just finished the tune and informed the mortals that
 they would be getting significantly less experience with more work now.
 And they all sais 'We understand your decision. Good work!'"
Dwarf: "No-one whined?!"
Admin: "Nope."
Dwarf: "That's ridiculous! Are you telling me you were trying to balance
 the game and no mortal whined? I mean, this is 'That's Amazing', but we
 don't believe EVERYTHING, especially not something as preposterous as
 that! Get off my show!"
Admin: "But.."
Dwarf: "Shut up! Get off! Shoo!"
<The admin disappears in a flash of light>
Dwarf: "Where do these nutcases come from? Anyway, next week.."
<A huge bolt of lightning strikes from the sky, frying the dwarf completely>
<A female adventurer clad in a leather cuirass is wandering along a path. 
 An orc jumps into view. Both draw their weapons and start fighting. 
 Suddenly the female adventurer stops and the orc also stops in confusion>
Female: "Does my bum look big in this?"

<to be continued..>